whatever makes you happy, whatever you want
by pennywhistles
Summary: "ennui, you're really cute. have i ever told you that?" /crimsonennui


**A/N** : no offense but why is fucking total drama island the only thing that can always sneak past my writers block like wtf.. anyway there was no crimson/ennui fic anywhere and that's a crime because they are quite literally the best couple in the history of this entire series so. here's this largely self-indulgent mess that i'm too tired to tweak anymore

soundtrack: scala and kolacny brothers - creep (radiohead cover)

* * *

A lot of things feel different for Crimson, after they're back home.

Aside from the new addition to their family (who Crimson loves terribly, much, much more than she ever thought she could love something like a _bunny_ ), and even aside from her renewed appreciation for Ennui, things between the two of them just feel… new. Different in a way she can't quite put into words.

That said, she doesn't mind the change – it isn't a bad sort of newness at all. She can't quite explain the feeling, but she suspects it has something to do with what happened in Finland, the sudden absence of something that had been hovering quietly between the two of them for years, the brand new lack of that previously ever present distance.

Crimson doesn't miss it. Not at all.

She'd thought she would, anytime she'd considered it before. But she really doesn't. There's no part of her that wants to go back to how things were. Still, it was a monumental change, one that she was still reeling from, a little. Her fear of being seen ungothed had run so much deeper than vanity. No one had seen her without a full face of make up since she was twelve years old, not even her parents, not even once.

People had asked her and Ennui about it before, generally incredulous to learn that the two of them had been together as long as they had without ever seeing each other make up free. Sometimes, they'd even start to preach about how much closer the two of them would surely be if they showed each other their "true selves".

Crimson had never understood the logic behind that particular argument. Taking her make up off didn't mean showing Ennui her true self. Ennui knew her true self already. He knew her better than anyone else. That had nothing to do with how she looked.

But her wig, her make up, they were authentically a part of her, an external expression of the person she was inside. She felt more herself with them on than she ever had without. Taking those things away meant vulnerability in a way she'd thought she would never be prepared for, meant stripping away all her favorite parts of herself and letting Ennui see all the things that she hated, all the things she so meticulously kept hidden.

Nothing had ever terrified her more than that, than the potential rejection that could follow.

She hadn't ever really considered what it might be like if he _didn't_ reject her. In hindsight, she very much wishes that she had.

The initial moment of realization, fresh out of the freezing lake, had been horrible. She'd felt stripped bare, worse than naked, defenseless and exposed. It was such a shock, so much to take in at once that they hadn't even been able to look at each other.

She can say now, with absolute certainty, that all of it had been worth the end result.

Nothing had ever been as beautiful, as miraculous as Ennui's warm smile at her in the back of the taxi that night. Crimson had never in her life been more at peace with herself than she had right then. The love she'd felt for Ennui in that moment had been near overwhelming.

That feeling sticks long after their elimination, still lingers now that they're back home. She thinks Ennui must feel similarly. He's a little bit clingier now, a little more outwardly affectionate.

She's decidedly a fan of the change.

Ennui stays the night at her house for the first time just a couple of days after they get back. They've had opportunities before, near countless times. Crimson's parents travel often for work, and she frequently has the house to herself. Ennui's parents are the definition of mellow, happy to leave him to his own devices in most situations.

The only thing that had ever stopped them before was that they'd have to ungoth to sleep, and beautifully, that's no longer a concern. The very minute Crimson puts this together, she calls him over.

They spend the entire day together, the two of them and Loki, laying around and doing absolutely nothing remarkable, and it's absolutely _wonderful_. That evening, Ennui makes dinner and they eat together, Loki crunching away at his own little plate of vegetables at their feet. The sudden swell of emotion in Crimson's chest nearly knocks her breathless.

She wants this every single day for the rest of her life. She can't wait until they can have it.

Bedtime rolls around eventually. Crimson lets Ennui take the bathroom first because she knows he'll take forever, with his giant bag of skincare products and make up removers, and she wants him in bed with her when she falls asleep. Still fully made up but for her wig, she lays back and waits patiently for him to finish.

When he finally steps out, Crimson feels her heart skip a beat.

His soft brown hair is messy on his head, still a little damp from his shower, and his face looks fresh, clean. She can even make out a tiny mole on his right cheek that she'd never noticed before.

It's only the second time she'd ever seen him like this, and it feels vastly different from the last, looking at him now. The shock factor from before is gone, and they're in the comfort and privacy of her home, and she literally cannot stop staring at him. Crimson is struck with sudden realization – she is so far beyond just accepting the way Ennui looks ungothed – she _likes_ it.

She really, really, really likes it.

She hadn't realized until just now. She likes the way he looks, and she likes looking at him, soft and handsome and _hers_ , her Ennui. No one else gets to see him like this, and it's hitting her all at once how very huge that is. She sits and stares and takes in everything about him, his pajamas, the heather gray socks on his feet, his sleepy eyes, the warmest shade of brown she's ever seen.

It all feels suddenly, strikingly intimate. She wants, abruptly, to kiss him.

"You okay?" Ennui asks, and it shakes her from her thoughts immediately. He sounds just a little self-conscious, so she smiles, reassuring.

"I'm fine." She tells him, stands and crosses the room to where he is. She reaches up to take his face in her hands without a word, presses her thumb purposefully on the tiny mole and stares at him a little longer.

Ennui lets her, doesn't question it even though she can tell she's making him nervous. It makes her want to laugh. If she were anyone else, she likely wouldn't have been able to help herself.

"...Ennui," She begins after a moment. "You're really cute. Have I ever told you that?"

His face twists into a scowl immediately, but she knows him well enough to know when he's faking. Even if she hadn't, the sudden tinge on his cheeks does an excellent job of betraying him.

"No." He says, frowning. "And I hope you never do again."

"Don't lie." On impulse, Crimson squishes his cheeks together, terribly amused by the incredulous expression he gives her in return. "You like it. I can tell you do."

"Crimson, _ugh_. Cut it out." He protests, bright red now, always such an easy blusher. He's got his arms crossed over his chest, gaze fixed firmly on the ceiling, avoiding her eyes like he always does when he's embarrassed. She softens, takes pity on him, rubs her thumbs soothingly along the apples of his cheeks.

"Relax. I mean it in a good way." She assures him, rocks up onto the tips of her toes for a kiss. He obliges immediately, hands moving to rest on her waist. Even after all these years, it still makes her head go a little fuzzy, makes her heart stir.

When she pulls away, he's smiling, and it makes her smile too, unbearably fond.

"I got lipstick on you." She informs him after a moment, and his soft smile shifts immediately into a reprimanding frown.

"Wow, Crimson." He scolds her, wiping blindly at his mouth and succeeding only in spreading the lipstick around. He glares at the black smudge on the back of his hand and sighs in resignation. "I need the bathroom again."

Graciously, she lets him take it, even waits until the door is closed to laugh.

* * *

Later that night, just as she's drifting off to sleep, she catches him staring at her, a strange, faraway smile on his face.

"What are you looking at?" She demands, frowns distastefully. His smile widens in response.

"You're cute, too. I like your little ponytails."

Crimson rolls her eyes, scoots closer to him and settles her head comfortably against her chest. "Now _I'm_ cute? Way to use my own line against me, Ennui."

"Sorry." He replies, not sounding sorry in the slightest.

If her eyes weren't already closed, Crimson would roll them again. Instead, she turns her face up to press a kiss to the underside of his chin, falls soundly asleep.


End file.
